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Final letter from America

Welcome to my Kafka-esque existence! I am truly involved in the trial that will not end. For all intents and purposes, this thing was over in November. Then, just for kicks I presume, it was decided to do the trial over in March. What was originally supposed to be a five day trial turned into an eight day trial, then an eight day trial with a week's break in the middle, and who knows how many days after that. Which leaves me with a column to write, and no ending in sight to write about. Oh well.

Nietzsche said "what does not kill me makes me stronger." Not that I've read Nietzsche, mind you. I copped that nifty little aphorism from the beginning of one of those Conan the Barbarian movies. I think it was the one with Grace Jones and Wilt Chamberlain. And that sure sounds like a good news -- bad news joke in the making: "Hey Pierre, I've got some good news, and I've got some bad news. The good news is that you get to direct a multi-million dollar Hollywood epic. The bad news? It stars Arnold Schwarzenegger, Grace Jones and Wilt Chamberlain." Cue laugh track.

Actually, I've never subscribed to that Nietzsche thing anyway. I tend to agree with Kingsley Amis, who wrote about his last divorce thusly: "Still, it's just another experience. Pity there has to be so much of it, though." This whole year of legal bullshit has just been one more experience, in a life not exactly empty of experiences. It's not the most pleasant thing I've had to go through, and it's been kind of humiliating, but so what? R.E.M. opened for Bow Wow Wow on two separate occasions. After that, all humiliation is relative.

Over the space of the year, the trial has not killed me, nor has it made me stronger. It has made me, variously: depressed, anxiety ridden, sleepless, amused, angry, and finally bored.
When I started this column, my tacit brief from Q was to write about my experience up to and through the trial. But since this thing has been covered ad-nauseum in the press, and couple with English libel laws (look what they did to Oscar Wilde!) this feels like a pretty good place to stop. After all, anything I write about the trial would be seen as self-serving at best, and petty and small-minded at worst. I'm also starting to feel like one of those people that you avoid in bars. "Oh my God, there's Peter Buck! Don't turn around! If he sees us he'll start talking and we'll never get away!"

Like a lot of things in my live, I get a kind of perverse pleasure at ending in the middle. Prison or home? The lady or the tiger? I'd just like to thank the folks at Q for putting up with me these many months, particularly Gareth Grundy who, with eraser in hand and tears in his eyes managed to trim my unwieldy submissions to manageable length. I'd also like to thank the Q readers and friends who have wished me well through this trying year. (Sorry about the pun, I couldn't resist).

Peace and mercy.

SOURCE : Q MAGAZINE

By Craig - 26th April 2002

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